cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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