Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
