The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
