Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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