When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Randomize
