Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
