Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
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