I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
We were destined to go to rehab together
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
