she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
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