if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
thus making me awesome and them whores
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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