im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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