My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
