three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I'm passing your future prison.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
i think i scared a bird with my dick
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
