Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
