My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
