Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
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