Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Randomize
