the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
