can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
We need to rekindle our bromance
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Randomize
