I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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