either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
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