i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
