yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
