You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
