It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize