3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
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