She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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