Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
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