i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
