tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
