i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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