he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Randomize
