Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
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