what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
