Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
