After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Randomize
