The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
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