well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Drunk is a universal language darling
Randomize
