today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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