the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
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