you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
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