just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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