I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
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