Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
