My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
