So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Randomize
