Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
