I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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