I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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