you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
