Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Randomize
