my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
