On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
He shit in the fireplace
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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