Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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