apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Randomize