The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
