i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Randomize
