Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
