i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
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