a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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