i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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