I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Brb crying the tears of my youth
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
